Retirement Planning:
If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now
be worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.
With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.
But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all
the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND,
you would have had $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily
and recycle.
It's called the 401-Keg Plan.

I knew I was better of drinking. Love you all my Friends Madie.

Please be careful.

This person has found her way into my house and could

also get into yours.


A very weird thing has happened.

A strange old lady has moved into my

house. I have no idea who she is, where she came from,

or how she got in. I certainly did not invite her.

All I know is that one day she wasn't there,

and the next day she was.


She is a clever old lady and manages to keep out of sight

for the most part, but whenever I pass a mirror I catch a

glimpse of her. And, whenever I look in the mirror to check my

appearance, there she is hogging the whole thing, completely,

obliterating my gorgeous face and body. This is very rude!

I have tried screaming at her, but she just screams back.

The least she could do is offer to pay part of the rent, but no.


Every once in a while, I find a dollar bill stuck in a coat pocket,

or some loose change under a sofa cushion, but it is not nearly enough.

I don't want to jump to conclusions, but I think she is stealing money

from me. I go to the ATM and withdraw $100, and a few days later,

it's all gone!


I certainly don't spend money THAT fast, so I can only conclude the old

lady is pilfering from me. You'd think she would spent some of that

money to buy wrinkle cream.

And money isn't the only thing I think she is stealing. Food seems to

disappear at an alarming rate-especially the good stuff like ice cream,

cookies and candy. She must have a real sweet tooth, but she'd better

watch it, because she is really packing on the pounds.


I suspect she realizes this, and to make herself feel better, she is

tampering with my scale to make me think I am putting on weight too.

For an old lady, she is quite childish. She likes to play nasty games,

like going into my closets when I'm not home and

altering my clothes so they don't fit.

And she messes with files and papers so I can't find anything.

This is particularly annoying since I am extremely

neat and organized.


She has found other imaginative ways to annoy me.

She gets into my mail, newspapers and magazines before

I do and blurs the print so I can't read it.



And she has done something really sinister to the volume controls on my

TV, radio and telephone. Now, all I hear are mumbles and whispers.


She has done other things - like make my stairs steeper, my vacuum

heavier and all the knobs and faucets harder to turn. She even made my

bed higher so that getting into and out of it is a real challenge.

Lately, she has been fooling with my groceries before I put them away,

applying glue to the lids, making it almost impossible for me to open the jars.

She has taken the fun out of shopping for clothes. When I try something

on, she stands in front of the dressing room mirror and monopolizes it.

She looks totally ridiculous in some of those outfits, plus she keeps me

from seeing how great they look on me.


Just when I thought she couldn't get any meaner, she proved me wrong.

She came along when I went to get my picture taken for my driver's

license and just as the camera shutter clicked, she jumped in front of

me.

I hope she never finds out where you live.

I really do!


To all my friends getting old is bad, enjoy your self while being young, have a good time and smell the roses. Go on Dates when ever you can, because when you sit in your Rocking Chair you can think about it and SMILE. Love you all Madie.

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her
pending divorce, and asked,
"What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied,
"About four acres and a nice little home in the
middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said,
"I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,"
she responded.

"I mean," he continued,
"what are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town,
and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied.
"We have a two-car carport and have never
really needed one."

"Please," he tried again,
"is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets.
We don't necessarily like the music,
but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded,
"about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked,
"Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied.
"I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does.
He said he can't communicate with me!!!"

I hope all of you have a great week, Love you all from Madie.

It is good to be a woman:
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2 We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
3 Taxis stop for us.
4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.
6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end.
9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
12. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot.
13. We will never regret piercing our ears.
14 There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
15. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway.
Send this to all the bright women you know and make their day!!!!!
Love you and have a great weekend my friends. Big CyberHug Madie.

Helpful!!

A few years ago a group of salesmen went to a regional sales convention in Chicago.
They had assured their wives that they would be home in plenty of time for Friday
night's dinner. As they ran through the immense O'Hare airport to catch their
homebound flight, one of these salesmen inadvertently kicked over a table which
held a display of apples. Apples flew everywhere. Without stopping or looking
back, they all managed to just reach the plane in time.

All but one. He paused, took a deep breath, got in touch with his feelings, and
experienced a twinge of compassion for the girl whose apple stand had been overturned.
He told his buddies to go on without him, asked one of them to call his wife
when they arrived at their home destination and explain his taking a later flight,
and waved goodbye. Then he returned to the terminal where the apples were all
over the floor. He was glad he did.

The 16 year old girl was totally blind! She was crying softly, tears running
down her cheeks in frustration, while she helplessly groped alone for her spilled
produce. The unfeeling crowd swirled about her, no one stopping to help or to
care for her plight.

The salesman knelt on the floor with her, gathered up the apples, put them back
on the table and helped organize her display. As he did this, he noticed that
many of them had become battered and bruised; these he set aside in another basket.
When he had finished, he pulled out his wallet and said to the girl, "Here, please
take this $40 for the damage we did. Are you okay?" She nodded through her tears.
He continued on with, "I hope we didn't spoil your day too badly."

As the salesman started to walk away, the bewildered blind girl called out to
him, "Mister..." He paused and turned to look back into those blind eyes. She
continued, "Are you Jesus?" He stopped in mid-stride, and he wondered. Then slowly
he made his way to catch the later flight with that question burning and bouncing
about in his soul: "Are you Jesus?"

Do people mistake you for Jesus? That's our destiny, is it not? To be so much
like Jesus that people cannot tell the difference as we live and interact with
a world that is blind to His love, life and grace.

If we know Him, we will live, walk and act as He would. Knowing Him is more than
simply quoting Scripture and going to church. Knowing Him is cultivating a sense
of His presence in the midst of our day and then being motivated to act upon
His guidance.

Love you all my Friends and have a great Day. Madie